Win For Losing

Down to my last $155 cash… and it wouldn’t be the first time that I’ve seen my balance drop so low in life… but I’m honestly not sure how I should feel about it.

I genuinely can’t tell if I’m winning or if I’m losing.

It’s really hard because every time I get down to my last few dollars, and feeling like all hope is lost, and questioning my very being here… that’s when it seems like God shows up. Which is great, especially if you walked my shoes and considered what the outcomes were lookin like in my head… it’s certainly worth celebrating right?

The only thing that sucks with this pattern is I seemingly take a 'loss' every time.

I was down to $7 in my pocket when I thought the only thing left to do was to find a DV shelter (my worst nightmare tbh) for me and the kids to go to or pray that a miracle happened at church where they’d be able to help me secure a home or income quickly.

And that’s when my mom found me. On my way to church, feeling completely defeated… depressed, abandoned and alone. Not knowing where I was going to sleep and feeling bad for all my risky decisions compiled with the stress of figuring out what to do about my car that I abandoned at the airport and desperately needed at the time.

Then it was good again.

Or so it seemed at least to me. Mommy would be able to help me with finally retrieving my car from airport parking that was dangerously close to being abandoned property and at least be able to sell it on my behalf…

That’s until I factored in this “win” would come by losing.

Losing my completely paid off, perfectly and very reliable vehicle for far less than it was worth. But at least I was still standing and at least me and my babies could eat and sleep somewhere secure while I tried to figure out what was going on and what to do next. I still had hope of my apartment application coming through. If anything those events seemed only to confirm what I believed was about to happen even more. I’m thinkin’ … yeah I’d lose my car but so what if it ultimately led to me getting my own place which would eventually lead to me being established and starting fresh. Then with the hard part behind me I’d be able to start making money and buy a new car… easily no sweat. Pfft! And in the meantime, public transportation in the area that I planned on moving to would have been just fine for me… in fact ideal whether I had a vehicle of my own or not

No, not the conventional way I would’ve typically gone about things, but faith was activated and it excited me so much that it seemed to have started to pay off. He showed up – literally – right on time.

Then when that few measly 4 thousand dollars had started to run dry… I had to get creative on how I would make it stretch as far as I could… combined with some hotel loyalty points I had racked up and free meals here and there… eventually all seemed to be lost again… and I’d wind up in a similar predicament. Only with somewhat of an inexplicable sense of calm and peace about it… even though I truly had no idea where we were gonna end up at the end of the day with my account overdrawn, and the area hotel prices skyrocketing and booked out due to the thousands of people stranded at LAX… my application for an apartment being denied and still no income or feasible way to make money with no car and 3 kids.

That was until in the most unlikely way I just so happened to bump into a familiar face who offered us a place to stay for free for a few days. And in that unexpected blessing, I was able to get a refund on our flights which were originally non-refundable… which yielded another $1500, and saved my overdrawn checking account from the red… and again… fueled my faith even more. My kids made new friends, and so did I. I got some much needed rest and some real good home cooked meals out of the deal, enough to recharge me for whatever the week ahead had in store…

The sad thing is though… $1500 goes like the wind in this city. And here I am barely a week later with $155 and desperately seeking answers, praying they might be somewhere in these pages. And honestly questioning, damn, what if that $1500 was my ticket outta here and here I am overthinking about nothing?

Now considering the only “asset” I have left is the very laptop on which I type currently, and feeling completely tapped out, tired and sick, and sick and tired of taking L’s!!! Wondering when does the restoration begin? And why do You still have me here? Feeling like I don’t wanna be strong anymore and I just wanna completely throw in the towel, but somehow knowing that’s not an option. Feeling like I’ve honestly done all that I can reasonably do, but also feeling like me taking another "loss" cannot truly be the answer?!!!!

Feeling content with my decisions but at the same time questioning them because they seemed to have led me into the most shitty predicament once again… nothing has really paid off and I now have nothing. And if I sell this computer for really any price so be it it’s worth it to make sure my kids have somewhere to sleep, but without a plan, a strategy, it doesn’t seem like it will take me very far from the same ole’ so it’s like what to do now? And how to make it really count? Really what else can I do so that I can do it? Or is this the part where I just trust that just like before, He’ll keep showing up.

I wonder sometimes if maybe a perspective shift is all that’s needed. Because so far, if you really look at it for face value it’s been one long elaborate summer vacation that I would’ve truly never planned. Completely out of my comfort zone, doing things that this girl don’t [typically] dooooo– #danitykanevoice so much that it makes me unrecognizable even to myself at times.

But there is honestly no place like home. So as much as I can accept that this is an exercise of faith, I wonder at what point do I start to get “real”? Or is it better not to? To just embrace the unknown… It's so easy to play it safe, right? Nothing exciting or enriching about that. I’ve lived a life working jobs I hated, and made only enough money to have to keep coming back and that life was truly no better than this. And I’m definitely not seeking to return to that hamster wheel…

Daring to stay in a space where you really don’t know what’s gonna happen, but trusting and hoping against hope how it feels at times that it’s all gonna be more amazing than you could’ve even imagined even though you don’t understand how– it’s the most scariest sh*t ever. And I don’t know how I’ll make it… but I at least still have an expectation that I will. Again, I’m not sure if I’m winning or losing… or if losing is actually winning in this case? I’m getting excited and discouraged in the same sentence.

3:05 am… and now the only thing I can do now is pray and go to sleep.

Mark 10:29-31, Matthew 16:25