Turn The Page

Can’t quite …

Put my finger on it. But it felt like a new chapter.

Something is more distinct about this time in my life. And I know I honestly sound like a broken record at this point, talking about new this- and new that- it makes it sound a lot more idk… false advertising than what the experience has truly been.

“New” sounds exciting and exhilarating…like a brand new car and the new car scent, but new has been frustrating, exhausting, crushing, boriiing, brutal, lonely… at times hopeless… but also sometimes exciting, exhilarating, free, creative, and hopeful.

New is complex. Obviously.

I truly miss writing in this story-style form of journaling, which only comes with ease when I have a computer, otherwise I be feelin’ like I’m doing the most trying to make my written entries feel novel-esque.

Anyway, before I get carried away and forget what it was I even wanted to write about.

I’ve been allowing myself to venture off into literary land. Libraries and bookstores have felt oddly soothing to me lately. But I remind myself not to take my usual route off the escapist exit, and continue to endure my life until something that looks remotely like what I believed I signed up for begins to take shape.

And it’s quite easy to live vicariously through other peoples’ stories at times enough to feel like there’s nothing left for me to do that even remotely sounds exciting anymore. Especially with the memoirs I’ve been both reading, attempting, and debating reading… from the likes of Michelle Obama’s Becoming, Tina-Thee-Beyonce’s-Mom-Knowles’ Matriarch, and Never Saw Me Coming which I’m still struggling to accept was a true story because it’s the closest I’ve felt to watching a movie in three years— but was actually someone’s real life thriller in book form!!!

I really can’t even word that the way I feel it, so much that my stomach keeps intensely pulsating as I’m trying to find the words. But I’m in utter disbelief at how intense, and real, and ughhh– words! But just how much LIFE and fullness (idk?) Are in some of these stories.

Something kinda scary–for lack of a better word (and maybe it’ll come to me)– about being in the driver’s seat of your life, and suddenly realizing you’ve been there the whole time! It’s like daydreaming on your commute home from work and realizing just before you almost miss your exit that you’re doing 70 miles per hour through traffic completely – mindlessly!

So Idk. Not sure where I was headed with this, but I guess somewhere in between, girl, get it together and girl, relaaax I got this! I know where I’m going. I haven't forgotten the way home.

And no, maybe I’m not the First Black First Lady since Michelle beat me to it—but I must know that I am somebody. A very big deal in fact. And maybe just maybe my story when it finally does start to reflect that in real time, that I might have that same magic inside of me that makes someone – me – feel like Wow! What a life I’ve lived.

(I feel like this is a dance battle between new and old, where old’s feet is hurting and wants to go sit down somewhere and new is just gonna take over and U got Served old any minute now. Aaaany minute now. ok I’m being so childish rn and people are starting to look at me funny. Good times… lol )