Today Was A Good Day

I need to get creative about dating myself… I had to take the kids with me last night to Book Club which turned out to be pretty okay for them to tag along with me. I’m not sure how soon I’ll get to have a solo outing, being as though I know no one here enough to leave my precious babies with longer than a few minutes.

So for now, I may have to settle for putting them to bed earlier and attempting to sleep train Shiloh so that he doesn’t need my boob in his mouth as a pacifier to lull him to sleep every night… in order that I might have some mommy time. A long quiet shower, maybe some mood music or a nice movie.

I can’t lie how much I’m looking forward to having a home. Like, girl…! It’s the simple things like cooking myself a late night “not-for-the-kids” meal or dessert in my lingerie. Or taking in the city views from my balcony in a comfy chair reading a book, listening to a pod or chatting on the phone. And who knows, maybe having some game nights or dinner parties cackling with some friends while they pretend to be asleep in their rooms, like we used to when we were kids. Going for bike rides to and from the beach… attending Farmer’s Markets on the weekends and soul food trucks when I don’t feel like cooking.

It all sounds so nice. So within reach but yet so far. It makes me kinda sad to always feel like that. So close. So so close.

I know the theme lately has been embracing where you are… and I get that. But what I don’t get is when is where I am actually gonna be where I wanna be? Like legit. Like, not in a way that I know there’s more to do and more to reach but in a way that it’s like… okay… this…is…nice.

It’s not like I haven’t felt that way… like ever. Content. Content although things were far from ‘perfection’ — in fact things were downright dysfunctional and I managed to somehow think I was content?

Ok too far. I don’t wanna go there.

But I believe I said all that to say, is what I’m asking for is honestly so basic… in fact too basic. I think it’s normal to have big dreams and that isn’t necessarily inclusive of any discontentment, just an awareness of the reality of there’s always more. So long as we have breath,

There. Is. More.

Sorry, not sorry but I think I’d rather be there than here.

But!

I’m wise enough to know that there may come a time when I reminisce on “here” and maybe even miss it. So in all fairness, in an effort to keep things more balanced I’ll try to be more intentional about embracing here more even though here hurts really bad at times, it’s really not all bad. Not at all. Here brings up a lot of pain from childhood, like homelessness and abandonment. The situation at hand is not one to just skip over like it’s not hard or painful in and of itself either.

Still, I’d like to also focus on the small memories that we’ll probably forget, like how Winter insisted on going to the pool today in what felt like 30 degree weather to the Floridian in me. When I said “No ma’am!” she insisted on sitting outside as the wind blew and me and the boys pranced around the hotel lobby to stretch our legs. She became adamant about staying parked outside in the freezing cold, so we pretended to ‘leave’ and hop on the elevator which brought her back inside with the quickness. But when she saw that we were bluffin’ and had been hiding around the corner the whole time she retreated back poolside. That was until we left her ass for real! Lol

It was only a matter of time before she’d come looking for us, and most likely lowkey panicking when we would seemingly "just miss" each other on the elevators. My heart started to pick up the pace, my mind racing thinking I had probably taken this lil game of hide-n-seek a lil too far, thinking that by the time I’d find her, she’d be hand-in-hand with some housekeeping lady, security officer or unsuspecting hotel guest with a face full of tears. That was until I internally sighed in relief when we’d finally met on the 3rd floor a few loooong minutes later and both pretended to keep our cool.

Me accusing her of being scared, knowing we both were but were too stubborn to admit that we play too damn much lol

I’ve enjoyed the new firsts with my kids.

Their first time doing things they’ve done before but might actually remember like flying in an airplane, going to the beach, and swimming fully clothed in the cold! First time on the city bus, train and taking a taxi. First time in California. The first time trying Cookie Monster ice cream and eating Vegan chicken nuggets from McCharlie’s (without even knowing) lol Watching airplanes take off and land outside our window. And judging from how sturdy Shiloh looked standing on his feet today, he’ll likely have us chasing after him soon, too.

That part has been beautiful.

Being their mom and watching them grow right before my eyes. I don’t wanna miss it from dealing with my adult problems & parenting stuff. I’m just trying to do the best I can for them., and I hope that at least one day they’ll understand that even if they don’t quite get all that’s happening now.

Like how they’re still up talking and playing and I haven’t even gone off, just letting them goof around although it’s almost 11pm and I wanted to have set up my night with sleeping kids and a movie for me. Lol (So much for that idea.)

But yeah, this was a nice reflection on the good side of what is very much a challenging and complicated transition in my life. It actually makes me a bit more excited about what's to come. It’ll be that much sweeter.

I’ll do my best to do what I can to get ahead of the curve while still creating space to take in and savor these fleeting moments of my babies’ childhood and the exciting adventure of moving to a new city, meeting new people, some of whom I hope we’ll actually grow closer to and will become like family to us.

Even through the tears, and having checked nothing important off of my list today, except canceling our flights, half-assedly applying for a grant, clipping my raggedy toenails, filling their bellies (mostly with junk food), hugging and kissing them… and playing hotel hide-n-seek…

I gotta say…

Today was a good day.