Thirties Heaven

I’ve been wanting to type soooo badly! My computer keyboard is broken and I finally feel normal again from typing on a not-broken keyboard. Girllaaaa! Oh, how I’ve missed this. It’s bringing me a sense of relief as my fingers glide across this keyboard, typing ever so smoothly. Ugh. The writer in me is literally sighing at the relief I’m not going to lie… it’s kinda weird. Lol I didn’t know life could feel so “off” not having been able to catch up on my thoughts with typing… writing it just doesn’t hit the same yk?

Anyways girl.

I’ve been really feeling like I’ve wanted to type since my birthday. I’ve officially entered “Thirties Heaven” this year… and something about this birthday had me completely rethinking birthdays. To a point… even in conversation where I’d naturally probably ask “when’s your birthday?” etc. I don’t even bother.

I’m not sure if it’s maturity or still bitterness at this point.

For weeks leading up to my birthday, I was trying to sort out what I’d want to do. Like what do you wanna do… where would you wanna go… if you could do anything you wanted… if money weren’t a thing… etc. etc. I’d try to come at it from so many angles to try and figure out what my “true” answer was honestly. I definitely felt so strongly that my kids would’ve been home before then… So part of my plans when I finally did settle on something was just being able to have a pretty chill, easy going day with my kids at Boxi… which none of us have ever been to. I’d imagined they would take the week off of school… and if possible doing some kinda family photoshoot. 

Like if I really had it my way… I knew for sure I wanted to get a lil makeover, hair done, nails done, everything did. Buy some nice new outfits that fit my personal style and how I’d like to see myself show up on a more regular basis, and then take some nice photos with and without the kids. Get some good quality content for my blog and whatnot.

A vacation always sounds a lil tempting, but this year, since it had taken so long for me to get home, I wasn’t remotely interested in traveling anywhere but I did feel extremely pissed off that at a time in my life where I literally had almost a thousand dollars worth of airline credit, I had essentially nowhere to go, (and not really much of a desire to go anywhere either) and nothing I could really do with it. Like a part of me heats up with pure rage at the thought. I try to reason that it won’t be a big deal… like there will be opportunities to travel and I will forget all about the lost credit I suppose? Or it just won’t even matter. But honestly, It doesn’t make me feel good to think about (which I kinda just thought about just now even though I really don’t think about it often until I start thinking of my kids and how they’re still not here)

Speaking of, I find it so utterly confusing and annoying, how the harder you want something the more you basically push it away? eye roll

But yeah, back to my birthday. Those were my plans. And maybe like a week or so leading up to it, I ended up buying myself a dress. It wasn’t necessarily a dress I felt was my ideal “birthday” dress, in fact it read as a “Barbie”/playing “dress up” which was slightly more fitting for Valentine’s Day or something like that, I just felt like I could find better, but it was pretty and it made me happy to think I at least found something I could potentially wear for my special day. 

Then the day before my birthday,, I’d found the most gorgeous dress on sale for a complete steal! I was sooo ecstatic! Still with no plans, I figured no matter where I went in that dress it was gon’ be a party! Lol then realizing my hair desperately needed a trim but with no mula to pay a stylist, that I had absolutely NO desire to put any knotless braids in my hair, and that my usual natural hairstyles had kinda become too much of my ‘everyday look’ that it couldn’t possibly be my birthday hair – that I decided to take matters into my own hands and trim and silk press my own hair. 

All the other times had been an epic fail, with my natural ends eventually frizzing up after a short while, but I had faith in myself. I pepped talk myself in the mirror, promising like ‘girl ima hook you up! Just trust me! I got this! Hair is my heritage, it’s in my DNA!’ I’ve been doing hair since I was 2, how hard could a trim and silk press really be? And behold, I was able to get my birthday hair looking pretty close to my ideal hairstyle on the day of. And after deciding to go for a natural beat, and lavender toes for a pop of color, my beautiful, sultry, sexy, timeless look was complete! I felt so beautiful, I mean gorgeous… I mean flawless, I mean TKO!

Then a feeling came over me.

Like girl you gon be mad if I tell you this…

I really don’t feel like going anywhere. 

Girl I know you lyin! Do you see how good I look rn?

I’d been invited to start my day off with breakfast and I actually felt like I should call and politely decline. But it felt too much like self sabotage. Like girl, nah, you just sayin that. Against my first inclination to stay home, looking as good as I wanted to look on my birthday, I decided to ignore it, push through, show up and force an “epic” day to happen anyway. And the more I did, the more I felt a part of me resisting. Urging me not to. Finally, I decided to give in to that feeling… a lil bit disappointed but not really? It was confusing as heck! But after opting for sprawling out with my picnic blanket after breakfast, instead of taking a long trip to the other side of town, and opting to soaking in the nice warm weather in the park, which was completely NEVER a thing in my earlier years as a Baltimorean, I’d decided that forcing things to happen was a thing of the past. 

With maturity, I’ve come to trust the flow more instead of being so controlling. Trusting divine timing, trusting in attracting and not chasing or forcing. Trusting that it’s completely okay not to have an elaborate day to celebrate just 1 day a year, when you really could do that just about any day. It doesn’t make you any less loved, important, or special… in fact, half of the time I’d wanted to do things that I felt I “wanted” to do, was honestly somehow to prove this point that was subconsciously embedded in my head. So idk… maybe this was the turning point?

But again, I am a lil’ stubborn sometimes, so it didn’t necessarily let up there, but once I had went all around the mulberry bush and wore myself out going store to store to buy the ingredients to make some fancy shmancy chocolate covered strawberries, over a traditional birthday cake, finally I got the hint that it really wasn’t that deep, sis.

But yeah, in a nutshell, that was my birthday. It was very emotional, as it hit me that I have completely started over in the area of relationships and had to start accepting this as a fact. I’ve had to learn to be more gentle with myself because of this. And start from my actual starting point, not always thinkin’ Ima show up in the fullness of where I see myself.

Anyway, this month is a month of love and celebration, actually this entire season is one I refer to as my “honeymoon season” – I’m incredibly excited! I figured I’d have more to say by the time I had caught up my writing to this point, but being that a lil over an hour ago, I had already kinda dug into it a bit in my handwritten journal… I may not have much to say that I haven’t already expressed?

But to sum it up, I did say that from where I’m standing I do feel like I see a clear path to my goals and dreams coming to pass. Like literally every single one. And it’s exciting and fulfilling to feel that aligned.

We have single’s night that was scheduled to be this month, but it was postponed, and honestly even that happening felt like divine timing. I felt so convicted when I found myself getting what I felt like a lil “too excited” to help set up for the event this month lol It would come with childcare, good talks, good food, and a built-in good ole’ time! lol So at first I was a lil’ salty it got pushed back, but then when they said summer time I was like pfft! Even better! Hahahaaa

Overall in life right now, I’m trying to steady myself in the Word. To be more present. To trust the flow. And just enjoy the journey. Which has been a constant thing I’ve been working on since the journey started in all honesty.

I hope that I will keep a more regular practice of my story style writing as it does help me to see the landscape better and immerse me more in my own story. But it’s now 9:12pm and half past my child’s ideal bedtime, and I got an iced coffee before bed with my name on it lol Is it bad that I’m having an iced coffee at the oddest time to be drinking an iced coffee? I mean, it is decaf… whatever that means lol

anyways, goodnight!