Tell Me What You Want

I have got to stop lyin' yall... and I know I can't be the only one.

Two simple questions from my Alpha course had me wrecked and in a holy chokehold until I coughed up the truth, as I revisited them over the 4th of July weekend:

If you had 24 hours to do whatever you wanted (on unlimited funds) what would it be?

and

What makes you happy?

I felt reluctant to answer... being that I was in a really crappy mood at the time and on the verge of emotionally spiraling. Completely unamused, as my mind began to sift through a bunch of random ideas that, although once upon a time seemed 'fun' had since seemingly lost it's flavor.

Tell Me What You Want

26:21

I began contemplating some very dull scenarios until I felt compelled to engage the question with an open heart and some real raw honesty...

Without a doubt, my kids make me happy.

I instantly heard the giggles of my silly 2 year old boss baby, smiled imagining me and my musically gifted mini-me creating something together again, and how longed for the sweet hugs of my firstborn son and how much he makes me laugh with his larger than life personality!

I imagined being somewhere beautiful... like the Miracle Garden in Dubai... or in a gondola over Venetian waters... I visualized what deep relaxation would look like as a full body massage with spa treatments... sounded amazing even and especially now!

My mind traveled across the Atlantic to a cozy cabin surrounded by mountains covered in snow, and a sky adorned with gradient hues of the Northern Lights like that of Reykjavik, Iceland... which if you ever paid attention to anything I say, you'd know is one my must visit travel destinations!

Maybe I could spend those 24 hours in Iceland during the time of the year when the sun lights up the sky for the whole 24 hours, and the day would seemingly never end...?

I'd wondered how warm the waters of the Blue Lagoon would really be amidst the below-freezing temperatures in the air.

I imagined doing something random like ice fishing, or something insane like hiking and in daring to be adventurous, exploring caves with my teeth chattering in all that snow when everything in my DNA would scream girl, have you lost your mind?!!

But the vibe was definitely beginning to sound a lot more intimate as I continued describing the scenery.

From beholding all the surrounding natural beauty behind panoramic floor to ceiling glass windows, thawing out in front of a fireplace in a cozy robe... or taking it all in with the soothing aroma of essential oils steaming from a hot bath... the scent lingering long after.

My body began to react, and I began to feel ignited in my imagination as I continued to paint a mental picture in my head that only sounded like it was missing a key detail...

Who would I take with me? Pfft-Certainly not kids lol

My heart has been aching quietly in the background, screaming just to be heard, and finally I started to listen. I realized part of the reason I've been feeling so depressed half of the time might have a lot to do with the fact that I'm around too many women (lol)

Now, I got nothin' but love for my sisters, but my social life has felt a bit off kilter and I slowly started to come to the realization that this was due to the fact that I'd been proudly declaring semi-singleness and swearing off men, and proudly telling them a resounding NO with my CHEST whenever they'd ask for my phone number. And though, I feel it was needed to be able to flex that muscle more... for good practice, I think I may have taken it a bit too far, as I was evidently denying my heart's true desires in the process.

I previously mentioned back in February how excited I was about Single's Night since the original date got pushed back until summertime! And now only weeks away, I'm beginning to deconstruct my entire thought process regarding dating before the ink on the divorce dries, and honestly now as a result, I'm rethinking a lot of beliefs I have about life in general...

PRESS PLAY to listen to "Tell Me What You Want" (Above)

Scriptures Referenced: 1 Corinthians 2:9, Ecclesiastes 2:4-11, 12:13

Honorable Mentions: John 14:1-6, 1 John 4:16, 1 Corinthians 13:1-3