I'm Still Standing

At this point in the story, I'm starting to feel a surge of gratitude and inspiration with underlying feelings of guilt and perhaps hesitation or something?

I sit to write to investigate what may or may not be so obvious from my limited perspective. In the waves of the sea of complex life transitions, it's often easy to mistake these big emotions I've been experiencing lately as feelings of loneliness. And while I often do find myself quite literally ... "alone" or feeling "lonely" today I sensed that that word was not accurately describing the feeling.

I recently put a few things into perspective, when I looked at my reflection staring back at me from my front facing camera, realizing my face had a freshness about it, and I looked some might even say 20 years younger than I actually am. And immediately I rejoiced realizing that I've been blessed to look so youthful, and that that should be celebrated.

Immediately -- I got visions of me living it up and enjoying this gift that I've been given with "I'm Still Standing" bumping loudly in the speakers of my life's soundtrack. I imagined myself sippin' my apple juice from champagne glasses doing "the Carlton" by the pool and all throughout the resort-style community I’ve been blessed to call my home in a sleek black bikini and a matching cover-up flowing in the breeze of my child-like spirit. I see myself making new friends, celebrating with many events, being playful with my children when they finally come back home (like Matilda and Miss Honey did at the end of the movie when ‘The Trunch’ had to give bumblebee back her house and her money then-get-out-of-town lol

I spent a lot of this grieving stage mourning the loss of my twenties, what I'd assumed were my "best" years -- the years of my youthfulness. The time in your life where you get to experiment, and have fun, be wild and crazy, go on adventures and all the while in the best shape, with the ideal physique you might find yourself some 20 or so years later idealizing and reminiscing about -- yet not to brag, at 36 (I almost had to correct myself because I almost rounded up a year since my b-day is around the corner but nah-ah!) very much still thirsty-six I realized I was crying over nothin' girl!

Somehow the fact that I'm still fine was momentarily lost in the shuffle, but suddenly it hit me the other day that I get to be That Girl 2.0 and the best is yet to come! lol All the fun and excitement and adventure, with a lot more wisdom and stature and favor... mmkay?! And although I shamelessly admit I do love me some Raisin Bran, I have a few stray gray hairs, my glasses kinda thick… and the knees could use an oil change or sum I got a long ways to go before anyone could even mistake me for a Golden Girl.

All jokes aside though, it's me constantly having to see the situation for exactly what it is, which is honestly not as easy as it seems like it ought to be. And I guess I'm also so afraid of not getting it right, and missing even a small little detail that I suppose I fear will make all the efforts I've made for better be in vain I guess?

It's a constant nagging doubt, that maybe I really am the problem? Which I have to assure myself that is not the case although I understand that I too, have made mistakes and have hurt others. Yes, I've also tolerated some very shocking behavior and treatment for so many years, and that alone leaves the trust that I'm trying to build with myself, something that is constantly scrutinized.

I think often about my mother, and especially her role in all of this.

Sometimes I wonder if I have been too hard on her, too stubborn to forgive her fully. Other times I question if my heart is too soft on her because she's my mother and not really accepting the truth of the matter. It's hard to tell which. And honestly, of all the losses and all the changes, this has been one of the hardest to settle.

Now, like I said, I feel like I've been dealing with very complex emotions, and I'm still finding it hard to give language to what I feel. It's loneliness, which is maybe more like abandonment. And some kinda guilt -- but kinda like guilt about what exactly?

Recently, I realized something that I believed freed me. I'd realized that I made it my personal responsibility, in fact my sole mission in life you'd think from the way I acted -- to love my ex-husband to repentance. To give him unlimited grace, unlimited chances, unlimited do-overs and just never hold him personally accountable for anything basically, and keep believing in his lies that he'd changed and wanted to do better. I realized that I was allowing this deep seated belief that I had to be the black man's ride-or-die, to protect him from the system, from the "man", be his peace, be his safe place to dump all his problems and secrets, his work stresses, blahblahblahbull—!

I realized I needed to take the trash out.

Sure, as a wife, do these things but not alone and certainly not all of it! Some things only God himself can fix. So I stopped tryna be God to that man, and let him carry his own guilt, his own shame, his own anger -- I casted onto Jesus. The only one with the ability to give unlimited grace. My time here is too precious to waste it tryna be someone's savior. And you know what I felt...? Free! Ha! I finally chose ME! And it felt good! So much that I felt confirmed and I just wanted to eat it up.

Tell me more! Tell me more about the life I missed out on and how I get to fully embrace it now that I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders! Tell me more about how everything that goes wrong is not immediately all my fault! Tell me more about how I am accepted just as I am and that anyone worthy of my love will know this and I don't have to beg, or shoulder more burden that is not rightfully mine to carry in order to be worthy of love. Tell me more about how loving myself is not selfish! And how it actually frees me to love others better. Tell me more about this life that exists where people can point the finger all day about things you never did, and you just go on about your day unfazed and un-bothered because you know they're just projecting! Girl whaaat! It was a total game changer for me! Divorce is freeing me more than just a signed autograph on a piece of paper, some direct deposits, and dropping someone's last name, divorce is freeing me spiritually from it all! Jesus paid it! I'm moving so much lighter now.

Now I'm tryna wrap this up, because my little one's late nap time has run its course and I really need to wake him up as bedtime is just around the corner (eek!) But I do feel there's more I need to unpack, mostly in the lane of whatever guilt I may be carrying...

The other thing that sticks out to me is the mom guilt.

I've felt extremely terrible that my kids are not here with me and moreso that I haven't seen them in a year. And while I know it's certainly not entirely on me, I do first of all hate that I broke my promise to myself that I'd never allow us to be separated no matter what. And also that it's taken so long to get them back home with this ridiculously long divorce process that I just knew would've been over by now.

But yeah, it's tormented me. I've constantly feared that my children will hate me or might feel like I don't love them, or favor their brother more and I don't really know what to do with that. Is this a logical fear? Completely based on nothing but past trauma from my experiences with my own mother? Is it just that typical mom guilt that a mom isn't allowed to make any mistakes? She's supposed to be omnipresent and all powerful? That it's my sole responsibility to make sure my children never experience sadness, or disappointment, or even feelings of abandonment although I feel I love them very much and hate this ever had to happen this way?

I feel bad that maybe I don't have enough faith to just act and therefore I'm falling short--big time. That maybe I should've taken bolder risks--like risking arrest. Or maybe I get too distracted doing other things and my attention and energy is split, that I shouldn't allow myself to have fun... ever--which is why I often find myself unable to fully enjoy moments I guess because I'm constantly feeling sad that my children are missing out on these moments with me. Feeling like a piece of me is missing, especially when I go places and I see faces of children that remind me of my own, or hear a child's cries or laughter that sound like theirs. Feeling guilty that I could have the audacity to live life without my little heartbeats by my side, having not seen my babies in an entire year. I feel like crap about it, and I'm not sure if it's justifiable. Maybe I should feel like crap? Maybe I should feel it.

But then what?

Idk. But the only thing that gives me hope with this is God. Him speaking to me, and guiding me along my way. Along with my mistakes, showing me that even the "missteps" can be made into a straight path--because He knows me better than I know myself. When I think I'm strong and can handle certain things and finally realize or admit that I actually can't, is where I get to see His Power, grace and mercy show up for me every time. It's giving me hope that my kids won't know the difference. They'll know that I love them because He first loved us. Without Him, I’m a terrible mother not gonna lie. But His plan is far greater than anything I could have ever concocted on my own.

When they get here with me, He will more than redeem the time. We'll be having the time of our lives! We'll forget we were ever apart. We'll have much more of an appreciation for one another. We'll have stories to share and new memories to make. We'll tell of His goodness forevermore. How He never left or abandoned us, even when we felt alone, forgotten... forsaken... asking and often wondering, "How much longer, Lord?!"

So as we all sip our apple juices out of champagne glasses, or maybe opt to drink from the fountain of unlimited free hot cocoa instead and watch movies outdoors by the pool... in our swimwear... on a Tuesday night in January... we'll be living in the reality that the Lord is good, and His love endures, forever...

Looking like a true Survivor,

Feeling like a little kid!