Delayed

What is “me” time? Where is the time for self care, self reflection and even just time to think or not when you’re a mom with kids? Checking in with myself is so challenging. I have to choose between much needed sleep and the small window of me-time that I can steal away.

Yesterday I cried.

It felt like a delayed reaction to all I’ve been experiencing in such a short span of time. So many pending tasks, such as finding a place to live, getting my car from airport parking to the other side of the country, and trying to make sense of my failed business and purpose in life enough to be profitable… to name a few–it’s just nothing seems to be flowing in the way it started to seem like it would. Now I’m feeling like I really need to get real and break this list down one by one. It scares me because I wanna keep the momentum and I’m afraid I’ll lose it, then I’ll start settling. Things started off on such a high note and my outlook was matching that energy. I felt like a new standard was being set, now I’m unsure if I can maintain it given all the obstacles and daunting, nearly impossible tasks that I feel faced with everyday. I almost feel like I should just commit to at least getting something done… sadly starting with what I assumed to be the most important thing has seemingly made everything else even harder and still undone. I thought order of priority mattered, and it’s either that or my sense of priorities just all screwed up right now?

I’m going with the flow so much that it’s starting to freak me out and makes me question if I should’ve ever stayed here in the first place.

Literally nothing has happened since I’ve been here. Just me trying to maintain and figure out what’s going on mostly. Honestly it makes me feel so irresponsible. I don’t have a plan.

I had one. At least I thought I did…

I tried to allow myself the chance to just pour it all out yesterday. Trying not to reason too much why I feel the way I feel. I’m not sure if the word is disappointed? Lonely? Stressed? Confused? All of the above? Language fails me, mostly. And having delayed emotional reactions certainly doesn’t really help. Now I keep crying. Every time I think of all that I haven’t accomplished, all that there’s left to do and really not knowing where to start I just wanna ball in tears.

Yesterday I think I realized I’ve maxed out my social meter as well. Being around so many new people and so many varied social settings in what feels like a month but in reality has only been 2 weeks has gotten to a point where I feel completely overwhelmed.

I’m unsure entirely how it makes me feel, to be here technically by myself. Feeling like I could call my mom or sister, but yet, feeling like maybe that’s not the best idea if I’m looking for encouragement, support or understanding.

The closest I’ve gotten to that lately was a new acquaintance giving me a big hug and telling me I’m doing a great job.

I certainly hope so. I’m hoping my efforts towards change and a better life aren’t in vain.

From the outside maybe it looks like I’m managing pretty okay, inside I feel I'm breaking down. It feels like one day I’ma just be having a casual conversation and then outta nowhere just burst into a fit of tears. I just can’t go backwards, somehow I gotta keep pressin’

Despite the fact that I really feel like I don’t know what’s the best thing to do. Honestly it’s the uncertainty of my decision-making model that’s the biggest weight because I have 3 little people counting on me.

Being a mom is hard.

And I need a nap.