Burpees, But in Real Life

I have no words to describe this first month of being in LA. There’s been ups and downs… the best language that could come close to defining it, is the real life equivalent of ‘burpees’

I’m really trying to make sense of something and get a grip on something. Hotel living is certainly not the worst of the worst, but it’s not home. And to be honest, the ache of being home hurts more and more as the days go by. It’s why I can barely get through an entry without bringing it up. It’s the most prevalent issue in my life at the moment. I really truly thought it wouldn’t take this long to get established with something here, even factoring in the costs, I just didn’t think I’d have that same problem because I knew my steps were guided here. But yeah, over 30 days in, and still waiting. Which leads me to my next thing…

Income. Thousands of dollars are already spent… which is no surprise when you factor in the cost of living and the fact that this was an assumed weekend trip-turned-you-live-here-now. That doesn’t even faze me as much, kinda, because I feel like it was to be expected. What I’m more concerned about, honestly, is the space where I’m at where I feel disconnected from my business, that I feel I’ve lost all the motivation, vision, and tools needed to make something out of nothing. And it’s just so hard to decipher still, whether or not this is something I need to let go completely or simply go in with a different approach. Am I being stubborn by not wanting to abandon it to look for a regular degular job?

It hurts because I was so invested in what I was doing and felt like I had something left in the chamber to keep pushing forward, I just didn’t expect to ever get to this point. Well, I did consider it, but I guess what I was thinking was I’d be able to avoid it once I made at least a few dollars off of my first few creations to afford to pay someone, anyone to join my team to help relieve me of all the work I was doing.

And honestly I’m only writing this out because I can no longer contain it in my head or my heart. I desperately need to know where I stand with my career and if I’m being ridiculous by feeling like it’s not time to move on to something altogether. And then, what would be that ‘something’?

The reason I started Halographic in the first place was because I felt it was connected to my purpose, for lack of a better description. In my head, entrepreneurship would be flexible enough to fit into my lifestyle as a mother and a wife. This was essentially my ‘why’

Why? Because I knew there was more inside of me than just being somebody’s wife and a few people’s mother. I didn’t have all these skills and talents, hopes and dreams for nothing, so I thought right? So I set out to do something for me.

Something that aligned with that and thus I discovered 3D art a few months later, ended up falling in love with it, the challenges and complexity. It was everything art, film, music… It tied together all my interests and it made the possibilities of where my career could go seem limitless. I was all for it. Now I did get a bit scatterbrained once Halo died, and thought I should play it safe and opted for doing a clothing line instead. But I quickly realized my heart wasn’t in it and I couldn’t sustain a business that I didn’t absolutely love the way I loved my 3d art at the time. So I backtracked and decided I was gonna pursue my art anyway. And once I was inspired to go with the name Halographic, even moreso.

It was hard dealing with the constant disrespect, the criticism, really having no support in my immediate circle, no one who understood or valued me but constantly made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough. And it’s true, it was hard to juggle all that I had on my plate and be fully present in business, especially when I now consider that there is literally not one millionaire or billionaire who became that way without a team or at least a partner who was alongside them to help.

As for me, I had no help. Then the times I considered getting help, I’d convinced myself I couldn’t afford it and would be better off learning how to do it (whatever the “it” was at the time) than to trust someone with my “baby” – because in my experience of letting people in to help me with side projects I worked on, I was getting robbed, tricked, delayed, copied, discredited all from allowing people, the wrong people who seemed credible enough, in to assist me. So when it came to Halographic, I was like abso-freakin-lutely not!!

So was it my poor vetting process? Did I hand over too much power or control in those situations? Or maybe I should have diversified and outsourced from different platforms? Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to go with freelancers without legitimate real life business credentials and legally-binding contracts? I’d have to really analyze this to figure out what if anything could’ve been done better. Because my conclusion at the time was to DIY everything, that way I could immediately avoid the hassle that seemed to be inevitable when working with others and I thought eventually it would pay off once I made enough money to afford real help. Idk… was I wrong to think that? Or perhaps I was onto something… it’s very hard to tell since I feel like at the moment I was about to take off, the shit in my personal life immediately hit the fan.

Like once I had opened up to the idea of outsourcing on some of my projects, and working smarter not harder, that’s when I had to step away full time to get my life together. I couldn’t help but think that my business would be okay in fact better by me doing this once I returned to it. But now, I’m just like damn, where did it all go? I have to start completely over. Back to my why… and now that I feel like my why is mostly the same, since it was indeed rooted on something solid, now I ask myself, well what’s the vision? Since I no longer use the same platform, I feel a weight of responsibility in what I create so I don’t wanna just make any old thing…

So either my why isn’t big enough, or defined enough for the vision I need to know what to do next, or how to do it. And I can’t lie, it just makes me feel like letting go. If I wasn’t for the sparks of inspiration that come when I create I’d believe that were true. It makes me feel like I just need to dedicate a bit more time and effort to creating and let it flow. And eventually it’ll come to me.

And so that is what today is for. I intend to try. And if this last ditch effort at reigniting my passion for 3d art doesn’t produce some kinda vision for what to do with it long-term, then perhaps I’ll have my answer.

It’s funny the things I’m considering now. Like, the “what if this was just to get me here and there’s something way left field that I wouldn’t have even expected I’d ever do?” theory.

Oh, the idea is fun. Lol But in real life, I got kids to feed so I’m hoping this sudden wave of divine inspiration and resources come sooner rather than later.

Speaking of which, girl, I know I’m disconnected when I can barely write a grant essay. Not that it needed to be all long or anything, but I felt if I added anymore words to my entry I’d be flat out cappin’

I would’ve never had that problem before. I could talk all day about my business if you let me. But now, I’m just like bleh.

I started a blog, and I considered the possibility that maybe my story is worth being shared with someone somewhere, even if I can’t quite make sense of literally anything I’ve been through or why I am the way I am, and don’t get me started on trying to make sense of what is going on in my life right now. But even that feels weird. It’s not that I feel ashamed or even embarrassed about my life or what I have to say, but rather how can I connect with it in a way that’s authentic and truly represents who I am in a way that feels genuine, not forced, not “what everyone else is doing” – when I’m struggling to even understand me. Like how can I expect anyone to get me when I don’t even get me.